– Tiaundra Elise
I’m not always the most positive person. In fact, some of my best writing has come out of a place of pain and deep emotion. Although I try to be cognizant of it, I need to remind myself that even the thoughts I’ve convinced myself to be small, actually manifest greatly into the universe, my mood, and my behavior. I have been telling myself for over a year now that I’m going to write a list of positive affirmations to say in the mirror every morning. Repetition creates belief. Of course, I have yet to do it because oftentimes I lose my sense of self-care within the craziness of the world. I always have “more important” things to do when self-care should really be my first priority. Taking the time to really frame your words and thoughts in a manner that will aid in having and maintaining a happier more optimistic way of life is a must. Changing from thinking “I am so tired today” to “I woke-up today” may seem small, but actually makes a world of a difference. So, I am challenging myself to work on and finish my morning affirmations by the end of the month. When you know better, you do better right?
It’s only 11:03 am and today has already been one of the hardest emotional days for me. Just when I thought things were going great, they took an awful turn. Sometimes I just really feel as if my life is spiraling out of control. I held my composure throughout last night and all the way to work until I got out of the car at my job. I didn’t realize my backpack purse was open and my Shea butter container fell out. I reached down to get it and everything else came tumbling out. That right there was the epitome of how I feel my life works. Sometimes it’s that one small thing that sets you over the edge. One thing goes wrong and then everything else follows suit. An endless wave of pain, hurt, heartache, disappointment. I just wish I knew how to grasp better control, but I don’t. I try to convince myself that it’s okay and that no one really has life all figured out, but it’s not working. I would tell my daughter that (if I had one) and hope she would believe it because it’s the truth, but right now I can’t find solace in knowing that. All that matters in this moment is that I have no grasp on things and the more I try not to cry the more I end-up with eyes full of tears. I honestly believe I’m a really good person. I’m loving and caring and dependable and I give all of me to the ones I care about. I actually like those qualities and characteristics about myself, it’s just that I can’t figure out why others don’t appreciate those qualities about me. They say they do but then I get treated in a way I don’t deserve and it’s hurtful. So, my heart aches today. Maybe tomorrow it won’t, but today, in this moment, my optimistic outlook on happiness is shattered and I’m not sure I can ever put the pieces back together.
I’ve been waiting to sound-off about this so I could compose my thoughts and write about it in a very poised way, but I haven’t reached that point yet so whatever. A few weeks ago, I was informed that someone who is supposed to be close to me decided they needed to say something negative about the way I’m living. I found it extremely funny that this person felt the need to comment on my life when theirs is full of drama, chaos, and turmoil. Compared to theirs, my life would seem angelic and boring. I am extremely tired of people pretending to have a lot of love for a person, but instead having so much hate and jealousy in their hearts. Just because you decided to wake-up one morning and decide that everything you did the hour, day, and years before has become null and void doesn’t mean that it didn’t exist. I’m realizing that the untrue negative things people have to say about the way I’m living are a direct reflection of the unfortunate decisions they chose to make in their own lives. Trust and believe, glass houses and stones don’t mix well and your home is one pebble away from crashing down. Why even say anything about how I’m living when you know I’m aware of the lifetime of awful decisions you’ve made? So, speak for yourself and leave me out of your negative energy. I’m trying to live my best life and your jealousy (although it gives me a good topic to write about) causes less of a delay to that than you were anticipating.
The older I get, the more I’m able to notice the patterns in my behaviors and in my relationships (namely, my love relationships). For instance, my latest and probably biggest revelation is that the three men I fell hardest for have obsessive personalities. Each of these men were from different stages of my life, was obsessed with me for different reasons, and expressed that obsession differently. The first was from my teenage years, the second I met not long after I graduated college, and the third I met by happenstance as I ventured into a more “adult” version of myself. Of course, there were other love relationships that trickled in and out between them (some of their stories overlapping with the three), but their impact on my life just happened to not be as great (that’s not to say that they didn’t make any impact at all, I just won’t be writing any books centered around my relationships with them).
In unraveling my latest revelation, the first question I asked myself is whether I have an obsessive personality. I think at times I become obsessed with certain thoughts, notions, and ideas (because I’m always in my head) and I need to keep going over them until they make sense, but I don’t think I have an obsessive personality overall. I even asked my closest friend who agreed with that sentiment. If I love it, then I love it but I can also let it go when it’s time and can move on quickly. I’m a very out of sight, out of mind kind of lady.
My next thought was to try to figure out why I fell head over heels in love with these men who were overly infatuated with me. Well, let’s be real, who doesn’t want someone to be infatuated with them? From a young age, we watch movies where the guy sees the girl and acts as if he can’t go another second in his life without her. For at least an hour and a half, we watch this man move hell and high water to find her again (because of course something always happens where she has to leave his life), get her, keep her, and do something amazing to make sure she stays. We are taught from a young age that that’s what we should want and those movies worked because I’ve always wanted and felt like I deserved mountains to be moved for me. Each of these men refused to let me go regardless of my constant efforts to remove myself from their lives and I loved that. I needed that feeling. I wanted to be fought for. (Thank you, Disney and every other fairytale in existence.) At one point I thought their efforts were because of their undying love for me, but, in hindsight, I realized that a lot of it was because of their aversion to someone else having me and not necessarily because they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me.
If you’re like me, please be careful and watch the signs. In my almost thirty years on this earth, I’ve realized that hindsight is definitely 20/20. Obsession is great as long as the motive is genuine because it can be an amazing feeling, but the situation can also go very left. Be sure to do your due diligence in finding out where the obsession stems from and if they really want you for you; if they do, then you’ve probably found a partner who will have your back for the long haul.
that there’s nothing wrong with missing you while still enjoying my alone time….
just tell me the truth no matter how much it may hurt either of us.
Is that a hard concept to grasp and follow through on?
I feel like the universe is saying to me, “Girl, we just needed you to recognize your worth so we could shower you with these blessings that you deserve.”
Things have been looking up since I removed some pieces from my life. So, no worries universe, I get it and there’s no turning back.
I’m really not feeling this whole being alone thing. Well, I am, but the more you read the more you’ll understand my oxymoron of a situation. A few times in my life I’ve actually been super comfortable being single for long periods of time; I was so distracted by life that I never even had the time to think about how single I was and so busy (not dating, but working, starting a business, volunteering, etc.) that I was rarely home enough to do anything but sleep. I enjoyed my time as a single woman. Now, I’m not feeling it at all. This situation is actually super similar to when I first cut my hair and became natural. I cut my hair to be about an inch long straight and was comfortable with it. I loved my short hair. Eventually, I locked my hair for some years. When I decided to cut my locs, I figured I’d be okay because I had cut it all off before, but no…I absolutely hated it. Now, I’m in the same predicament – I loved my lonesome state before, but now I’m not a fan.
Lately, I’ve thrown myself into developing my careers (which is great because my focus has been amazing), but my work has called for me to be home a lot so I don’t have the same types of distractions that I once did. For instance, my writing has required me to be in my head quite often and in order for me to write the way I love to, I have had to begin removing the wall that holds back my emotions. The combination of the aforementioned factors have forced me to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer comfortable with being single and to be quite honest, I’ve always been more of a relationship person (which I knew).
Don’t get me wrong, I have a ton of moments where I’m fine with being alone. I’m an only child. Some only children become super comfortable alone and entertaining themselves, while others come to loathe it and once they get older require the constant presence of another. I am definitely the former; however, just because I am comfortable being alone does not mean that I want to be all of the time, a misconception that my ex seemed to be wrong about all of the time. I do enjoy my space, but I love being around someone that I love to be around. I miss cuddling and someone wanting my attention just as much as I want theirs. I miss the inside jokes and the laughter. I miss that best friend vibe and soul connection with the person you call “lover”. The person that makes your heart skip a beat at the sound of their voice and can make you weak with their kisses. (As I’m typing this I’m realizing that I’m describing one person in particular, but that’s another post for another day.).
To be completely clear though, I don’t want to date anyone new either (also another post for another day). What I’m really hoping is that I either become super busy to the point where I won’t have time to think about my single life (which is fine but I need that thinking time in order to write so that probably won’t happen) or that I just come to grips with being single for a while and I embrace it. Throughout the day, as my life currently stands, I go back and forth so often with being okay as a single woman (typically when I’m trying to get something done and I’ve delved into it) to missing and longing for my phone to light-up with a text message from my lover clearly missing me.
I’m pretty sure this journey for me is going to be as crazy and bumpy as an old wooden rollercoaster, so I may as well strap in and just get ready for the ride.
The one thing I’ve learned about love and relationships is that you will never find a perfect person. No one will ever meet all of your expectations, but figuring out which of those imperfections you can and can’t live with is key.