I never regret being late somewhere because I spent a few extra minutes lying in bed with you. We don’t get those moments often. The two of us, lying in bed, naked, bodies intertwined from wild sleeping the night before. We do lie in bed and watch tv before falling asleep, but there’s something intimate about having you to myself in the darkness, your arm around me, with no interruptions. Unintentional passion. It is in those moments that I feel my heart speaking with yours the most. The closeness and stillness of our minds and bodies create an uninhibited soul connection that can’t be challenged. It is then that I know you’re mine and that I need not have any fears. These are the moments I live for.
It’s only 11:03 am and today has already been one of the hardest emotional days for me. Just when I thought things were going great, they took an awful turn. Sometimes I just really feel as if my life is spiraling out of control. I held my composure throughout last night and all the way to work until I got out of the car at my job. I didn’t realize my backpack purse was open and my Shea butter container fell out. I reached down to get it and everything else came tumbling out. That right there was the epitome of how I feel my life works. Sometimes it’s that one small thing that sets you over the edge. One thing goes wrong and then everything else follows suit. An endless wave of pain, hurt, heartache, disappointment. I just wish I knew how to grasp better control, but I don’t. I try to convince myself that it’s okay and that no one really has life all figured out, but it’s not working. I would tell my daughter that (if I had one) and hope she would believe it because it’s the truth, but right now I can’t find solace in knowing that. All that matters in this moment is that I have no grasp on things and the more I try not to cry the more I end-up with eyes full of tears. I honestly believe I’m a really good person. I’m loving and caring and dependable and I give all of me to the ones I care about. I actually like those qualities and characteristics about myself, it’s just that I can’t figure out why others don’t appreciate those qualities about me. They say they do but then I get treated in a way I don’t deserve and it’s hurtful. So, my heart aches today. Maybe tomorrow it won’t, but today, in this moment, my optimistic outlook on happiness is shattered and I’m not sure I can ever put the pieces back together.
The older I get, the more I’m able to notice the patterns in my behaviors and in my relationships (namely, my love relationships). For instance, my latest and probably biggest revelation is that the three men I fell hardest for have obsessive personalities. Each of these men were from different stages of my life, was obsessed with me for different reasons, and expressed that obsession differently. The first was from my teenage years, the second I met not long after I graduated college, and the third I met by happenstance as I ventured into a more “adult” version of myself. Of course, there were other love relationships that trickled in and out between them (some of their stories overlapping with the three), but their impact on my life just happened to not be as great (that’s not to say that they didn’t make any impact at all, I just won’t be writing any books centered around my relationships with them).
In unraveling my latest revelation, the first question I asked myself is whether I have an obsessive personality. I think at times I become obsessed with certain thoughts, notions, and ideas (because I’m always in my head) and I need to keep going over them until they make sense, but I don’t think I have an obsessive personality overall. I even asked my closest friend who agreed with that sentiment. If I love it, then I love it but I can also let it go when it’s time and can move on quickly. I’m a very out of sight, out of mind kind of lady.
My next thought was to try to figure out why I fell head over heels in love with these men who were overly infatuated with me. Well, let’s be real, who doesn’t want someone to be infatuated with them? From a young age, we watch movies where the guy sees the girl and acts as if he can’t go another second in his life without her. For at least an hour and a half, we watch this man move hell and high water to find her again (because of course something always happens where she has to leave his life), get her, keep her, and do something amazing to make sure she stays. We are taught from a young age that that’s what we should want and those movies worked because I’ve always wanted and felt like I deserved mountains to be moved for me. Each of these men refused to let me go regardless of my constant efforts to remove myself from their lives and I loved that. I needed that feeling. I wanted to be fought for. (Thank you, Disney and every other fairytale in existence.) At one point I thought their efforts were because of their undying love for me, but, in hindsight, I realized that a lot of it was because of their aversion to someone else having me and not necessarily because they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me.
If you’re like me, please be careful and watch the signs. In my almost thirty years on this earth, I’ve realized that hindsight is definitely 20/20. Obsession is great as long as the motive is genuine because it can be an amazing feeling, but the situation can also go very left. Be sure to do your due diligence in finding out where the obsession stems from and if they really want you for you; if they do, then you’ve probably found a partner who will have your back for the long haul.
that there’s nothing wrong with missing you while still enjoying my alone time….
who won’t allow you to sit in the house upset over a boy.
One who will hand you a wig so you can escape and pretend to be anyone but yourself for the night.
That’s a good friend.
I’ve always been an out of sight, out of mind type of person but with you I become more of an out of sight and I long for you with every fiber of my being type of woman. Just the thought of you entices me and I miss every single thing about you…almost every single thing. My soul aches at the thought of you touching another and, yet, I realize that we were once living in a fantasy. When you were mine we lived in a dream world – I was your escape and you were my hero. I allowed you to be your true self and you helped me to realize my greatness. Remembering the pure joy I received from your presence makes me weak and coupled with the consciousness of your absence I am left with an insatiable yearning. My heart continues to cry out for you, but I will not allow myself to be the one to give in and reach out. This suffering is a process that I know I must endure for if I fold we are sure to end-up in the same vicious cycle of me only being your refuge, nothing more. I must continue to embrace the pain of your leaving because only then will I become stronger; only then will I learn that I’m deserving of far greater than what you were giving me. One day I will realize that I can be that out of sight, out of mind woman again, but not today; I’m just not ready to allow you to leave my heart yet.
I’m really not feeling this whole being alone thing. Well, I am, but the more you read the more you’ll understand my oxymoron of a situation. A few times in my life I’ve actually been super comfortable being single for long periods of time; I was so distracted by life that I never even had the time to think about how single I was and so busy (not dating, but working, starting a business, volunteering, etc.) that I was rarely home enough to do anything but sleep. I enjoyed my time as a single woman. Now, I’m not feeling it at all. This situation is actually super similar to when I first cut my hair and became natural. I cut my hair to be about an inch long straight and was comfortable with it. I loved my short hair. Eventually, I locked my hair for some years. When I decided to cut my locs, I figured I’d be okay because I had cut it all off before, but no…I absolutely hated it. Now, I’m in the same predicament – I loved my lonesome state before, but now I’m not a fan.
Lately, I’ve thrown myself into developing my careers (which is great because my focus has been amazing), but my work has called for me to be home a lot so I don’t have the same types of distractions that I once did. For instance, my writing has required me to be in my head quite often and in order for me to write the way I love to, I have had to begin removing the wall that holds back my emotions. The combination of the aforementioned factors have forced me to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer comfortable with being single and to be quite honest, I’ve always been more of a relationship person (which I knew).
Don’t get me wrong, I have a ton of moments where I’m fine with being alone. I’m an only child. Some only children become super comfortable alone and entertaining themselves, while others come to loathe it and once they get older require the constant presence of another. I am definitely the former; however, just because I am comfortable being alone does not mean that I want to be all of the time, a misconception that my ex seemed to be wrong about all of the time. I do enjoy my space, but I love being around someone that I love to be around. I miss cuddling and someone wanting my attention just as much as I want theirs. I miss the inside jokes and the laughter. I miss that best friend vibe and soul connection with the person you call “lover”. The person that makes your heart skip a beat at the sound of their voice and can make you weak with their kisses. (As I’m typing this I’m realizing that I’m describing one person in particular, but that’s another post for another day.).
To be completely clear though, I don’t want to date anyone new either (also another post for another day). What I’m really hoping is that I either become super busy to the point where I won’t have time to think about my single life (which is fine but I need that thinking time in order to write so that probably won’t happen) or that I just come to grips with being single for a while and I embrace it. Throughout the day, as my life currently stands, I go back and forth so often with being okay as a single woman (typically when I’m trying to get something done and I’ve delved into it) to missing and longing for my phone to light-up with a text message from my lover clearly missing me.
I’m pretty sure this journey for me is going to be as crazy and bumpy as an old wooden rollercoaster, so I may as well strap in and just get ready for the ride.