It’s only 11:03 am and today has already been one of the hardest emotional days for me. Just when I thought things were going great, they took an awful turn. Sometimes I just really feel as if my life is spiraling out of control. I held my composure throughout last night and all the way to work until I got out of the car at my job. I didn’t realize my backpack purse was open and my Shea butter container fell out. I reached down to get it and everything else came tumbling out. That right there was the epitome of how I feel my life works. Sometimes it’s that one small thing that sets you over the edge. One thing goes wrong and then everything else follows suit. An endless wave of pain, hurt, heartache, disappointment. I just wish I knew how to grasp better control, but I don’t. I try to convince myself that it’s okay and that no one really has life all figured out, but it’s not working. I would tell my daughter that (if I had one) and hope she would believe it because it’s the truth, but right now I can’t find solace in knowing that. All that matters in this moment is that I have no grasp on things and the more I try not to cry the more I end-up with eyes full of tears. I honestly believe I’m a really good person. I’m loving and caring and dependable and I give all of me to the ones I care about. I actually like those qualities and characteristics about myself, it’s just that I can’t figure out why others don’t appreciate those qualities about me. They say they do but then I get treated in a way I don’t deserve and it’s hurtful. So, my heart aches today. Maybe tomorrow it won’t, but today, in this moment, my optimistic outlook on happiness is shattered and I’m not sure I can ever put the pieces back together.
Being ignored has always been the worst thing to me. The worst form of rejection. I’ll admit that I’m horrible when, in a relationship and during an argument (verbal or via text), the person decides to stop responding to me. I’m a sucker for that and it hurts more than the person continuing to yell and fuss. I’m not good at ignoring that person either. I always try and then give-in. I’m the type of person who, no matter how upset/mad I am, thinks “How would I feel if that person did this to me?” I feel as though that thought is a rare one in people’s minds these days. Reciprocity is far too uncommon in general I guess. The whole “do unto others…” notion seems to have been completely lost upon society, but not upon me and, in turn, I’m always on the hurt end of things. Kindness is supposed to pay off, but at what point do I receive my refund and return? I don’t live life thinking about how the other person would feel for a reward, but at some point I really would love to have someone think, “If Tiaundra treated me this way, would I be okay with it,” and then proceed to do the nice thing. I long for such rarities.
just tell me the truth no matter how much it may hurt either of us.
Is that a hard concept to grasp and follow through on?