I never regret being late somewhere because I spent a few extra minutes lying in bed with you. We don’t get those moments often. The two of us, lying in bed, naked, bodies intertwined from wild sleeping the night before. We do lie in bed and watch tv before falling asleep, but there’s something intimate about having you to myself in the darkness, your arm around me, with no interruptions. Unintentional passion. It is in those moments that I feel my heart speaking with yours the most. The closeness and stillness of our minds and bodies create an uninhibited soul connection that can’t be challenged. It is then that I know you’re mine and that I need not have any fears. These are the moments I live for.
that there’s nothing wrong with missing you while still enjoying my alone time….
I’ve always been an out of sight, out of mind type of person but with you I become more of an out of sight and I long for you with every fiber of my being type of woman. Just the thought of you entices me and I miss every single thing about you…almost every single thing. My soul aches at the thought of you touching another and, yet, I realize that we were once living in a fantasy. When you were mine we lived in a dream world – I was your escape and you were my hero. I allowed you to be your true self and you helped me to realize my greatness. Remembering the pure joy I received from your presence makes me weak and coupled with the consciousness of your absence I am left with an insatiable yearning. My heart continues to cry out for you, but I will not allow myself to be the one to give in and reach out. This suffering is a process that I know I must endure for if I fold we are sure to end-up in the same vicious cycle of me only being your refuge, nothing more. I must continue to embrace the pain of your leaving because only then will I become stronger; only then will I learn that I’m deserving of far greater than what you were giving me. One day I will realize that I can be that out of sight, out of mind woman again, but not today; I’m just not ready to allow you to leave my heart yet.
I’m really not feeling this whole being alone thing. Well, I am, but the more you read the more you’ll understand my oxymoron of a situation. A few times in my life I’ve actually been super comfortable being single for long periods of time; I was so distracted by life that I never even had the time to think about how single I was and so busy (not dating, but working, starting a business, volunteering, etc.) that I was rarely home enough to do anything but sleep. I enjoyed my time as a single woman. Now, I’m not feeling it at all. This situation is actually super similar to when I first cut my hair and became natural. I cut my hair to be about an inch long straight and was comfortable with it. I loved my short hair. Eventually, I locked my hair for some years. When I decided to cut my locs, I figured I’d be okay because I had cut it all off before, but no…I absolutely hated it. Now, I’m in the same predicament – I loved my lonesome state before, but now I’m not a fan.
Lately, I’ve thrown myself into developing my careers (which is great because my focus has been amazing), but my work has called for me to be home a lot so I don’t have the same types of distractions that I once did. For instance, my writing has required me to be in my head quite often and in order for me to write the way I love to, I have had to begin removing the wall that holds back my emotions. The combination of the aforementioned factors have forced me to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer comfortable with being single and to be quite honest, I’ve always been more of a relationship person (which I knew).
Don’t get me wrong, I have a ton of moments where I’m fine with being alone. I’m an only child. Some only children become super comfortable alone and entertaining themselves, while others come to loathe it and once they get older require the constant presence of another. I am definitely the former; however, just because I am comfortable being alone does not mean that I want to be all of the time, a misconception that my ex seemed to be wrong about all of the time. I do enjoy my space, but I love being around someone that I love to be around. I miss cuddling and someone wanting my attention just as much as I want theirs. I miss the inside jokes and the laughter. I miss that best friend vibe and soul connection with the person you call “lover”. The person that makes your heart skip a beat at the sound of their voice and can make you weak with their kisses. (As I’m typing this I’m realizing that I’m describing one person in particular, but that’s another post for another day.).
To be completely clear though, I don’t want to date anyone new either (also another post for another day). What I’m really hoping is that I either become super busy to the point where I won’t have time to think about my single life (which is fine but I need that thinking time in order to write so that probably won’t happen) or that I just come to grips with being single for a while and I embrace it. Throughout the day, as my life currently stands, I go back and forth so often with being okay as a single woman (typically when I’m trying to get something done and I’ve delved into it) to missing and longing for my phone to light-up with a text message from my lover clearly missing me.
I’m pretty sure this journey for me is going to be as crazy and bumpy as an old wooden rollercoaster, so I may as well strap in and just get ready for the ride.
It doesn’t help my getting over you when you waltz into my dreams so cavalier, making me live-out fantasies that I know will never come true. I am partially grateful for the few minutes that I was able to experience with you again, but the other part of me wishes you’d take it back. I’ve told you before that I’m extremely connected to my dreams and at times confuse whether they were conjured up by my subconscious or if they really happened. Now, I’m awake longing for you and giving myself a headache telling myself to stop. My dream was so realistic that I still recall the way you motioned for me to come sit on your lap and the way I smiled sweetly and skipped over to you. The way you lovingly stared into my eyes before speaking to me as if in a trance made my heart skip several beats. I can still feel the way you held me like you wanted to protect me from the world; like you thought I would leave you. Everything about that dream still lingers with my being so much that it makes me wonder if you felt it too. Did you have the same dream? Do you remember the way you looked into my eyes? Did you feel how soft my skin was when you touched me? Can you recall the way I looked when you asked me to come over to you? Do you miss me the way I miss you? Or am I just a silly girl still dreaming by herself?