My Attraction to Obsession (Over Me)

The older I get, the more I’m able to notice the patterns in my behaviors and in my relationships (namely, my love relationships). For instance, my latest and probably biggest revelation is that the three men I fell hardest for have obsessive personalities. Each of these men were from different stages of my life, was obsessed with me for different reasons, and expressed that obsession differently. The first was from my teenage years, the second I met not long after I graduated college, and the third I met by happenstance as I ventured into a more “adult” version of myself. Of course, there were other love relationships that trickled in and out between them (some of their stories overlapping with the three), but their impact on my life just happened to not be as great (that’s not to say that they didn’t make any impact at all, I just won’t be writing any books centered around my relationships with them).

In unraveling my latest revelation, the first question I asked myself is whether I have an obsessive personality. I think at times I become obsessed with certain thoughts, notions, and ideas (because I’m always in my head) and I need to keep going over them until they make sense, but I don’t think I have an obsessive personality overall. I even asked my closest friend who agreed with that sentiment. If I love it, then I love it but I can also let it go when it’s time and can move on quickly. I’m a very out of sight, out of mind kind of lady.

My next thought was to try to figure out why I fell head over heels in love with these men who were overly infatuated with me. Well, let’s be real, who doesn’t want someone to be infatuated with them? From a young age, we watch movies where the guy sees the girl and acts as if he can’t go another second in his life without her. For at least an hour and a half, we watch this man move hell and high water to find her again (because of course something always happens where she has to leave his life), get her, keep her, and do something amazing to make sure she stays. We are taught from a young age that that’s what we should want and those movies worked because I’ve always wanted and felt like I deserved mountains to be moved for me. Each of these men refused to let me go regardless of my constant efforts to remove myself from their lives and I loved that. I needed that feeling. I wanted to be fought for. (Thank you, Disney and every other fairytale in existence.) At one point I thought their efforts were because of their undying love for me, but, in hindsight, I realized that a lot of it was because of their aversion to someone else having me and not necessarily because they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me.

If you’re like me, please be careful and watch the signs. In my almost thirty years on this earth, I’ve realized that hindsight is definitely 20/20. Obsession is great as long as the motive is genuine because it can be an amazing feeling, but the situation can also go very left. Be sure to do your due diligence in finding out where the obsession stems from and if they really want you for you; if they do, then you’ve probably found a partner who will have your back for the long haul.

Peace,

Tiaundra Elise

I’m Not Ready…

I’ve always been an out of sight, out of mind type of person but with you I become more of an out of sight and I long for you with every fiber of my being type of woman. Just the thought of you entices me and I miss every single thing about you…almost every single thing. My soul aches at the thought of you touching another and, yet, I realize that we were once living in a fantasy. When you were mine we lived in a dream world – I was your escape and you were my hero. I allowed you to be your true self and you helped me to realize my greatness. Remembering the pure joy I received from your presence makes me weak and coupled with the consciousness of your absence I am left with an insatiable yearning. My heart continues to cry out for you, but I will not allow myself to be the one to give in and reach out. This suffering is a process that I know I must endure for if I fold we are sure to end-up in the same vicious cycle of me only being your refuge, nothing more. I must continue to embrace the pain of your leaving because only then will I become stronger; only then will I learn that I’m deserving of far greater than what you were giving me. One day I will realize that I can be that out of sight, out of mind woman again, but not today; I’m just not ready to allow you to leave my heart yet.

Peace,

Tiaundra Elise

Love Lessons

The one thing I’ve learned about love and relationships is that you will never find a perfect person. No one will ever meet all of your expectations, but figuring out which of those imperfections you can and can’t live with is key.

Peace,

Tiaundra Elise

Excuse Yourself From My Dreams…Please…Maybe….

It doesn’t help my getting over you when you waltz into my dreams so cavalier, making me live-out fantasies that I know will never come true.  I am partially grateful for the few minutes that I was able to experience with you again, but the other part of me wishes you’d take it back.  I’ve told you before that I’m extremely connected to my dreams and at times confuse whether they were conjured up by my subconscious or if they really happened.  Now, I’m awake longing for you and giving myself a headache telling myself to stop.  My dream was so realistic that I still recall the way you motioned for me to come sit on your lap and the way I smiled sweetly and skipped over to you.  The way you lovingly stared into my eyes before speaking to me as if in a trance made my heart skip several beats.  I can still feel the way you held me like you wanted to protect me from the world; like you thought I would leave you.  Everything about that dream still lingers with my being so much that it makes me wonder if you felt it too.  Did you have the same dream?  Do you remember the way you looked into my eyes?  Did you feel how soft my skin was when you touched me?  Can you recall the way I looked when you asked me to come over to you?  Do you miss me the way I miss you?  Or am I just a silly girl still dreaming by herself?

Peace,

Tiaundra Elise