I never regret being late somewhere because I spent a few extra minutes lying in bed with you. We don’t get those moments often. The two of us, lying in bed, naked, bodies intertwined from wild sleeping the night before. We do lie in bed and watch tv before falling asleep, but there’s something intimate about having you to myself in the darkness, your arm around me, with no interruptions. Unintentional passion. It is in those moments that I feel my heart speaking with yours the most. The closeness and stillness of our minds and bodies create an uninhibited soul connection that can’t be challenged. It is then that I know you’re mine and that I need not have any fears. These are the moments I live for.
I’m really not feeling this whole being alone thing. Well, I am, but the more you read the more you’ll understand my oxymoron of a situation. A few times in my life I’ve actually been super comfortable being single for long periods of time; I was so distracted by life that I never even had the time to think about how single I was and so busy (not dating, but working, starting a business, volunteering, etc.) that I was rarely home enough to do anything but sleep. I enjoyed my time as a single woman. Now, I’m not feeling it at all. This situation is actually super similar to when I first cut my hair and became natural. I cut my hair to be about an inch long straight and was comfortable with it. I loved my short hair. Eventually, I locked my hair for some years. When I decided to cut my locs, I figured I’d be okay because I had cut it all off before, but no…I absolutely hated it. Now, I’m in the same predicament – I loved my lonesome state before, but now I’m not a fan.
Lately, I’ve thrown myself into developing my careers (which is great because my focus has been amazing), but my work has called for me to be home a lot so I don’t have the same types of distractions that I once did. For instance, my writing has required me to be in my head quite often and in order for me to write the way I love to, I have had to begin removing the wall that holds back my emotions. The combination of the aforementioned factors have forced me to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer comfortable with being single and to be quite honest, I’ve always been more of a relationship person (which I knew).
Don’t get me wrong, I have a ton of moments where I’m fine with being alone. I’m an only child. Some only children become super comfortable alone and entertaining themselves, while others come to loathe it and once they get older require the constant presence of another. I am definitely the former; however, just because I am comfortable being alone does not mean that I want to be all of the time, a misconception that my ex seemed to be wrong about all of the time. I do enjoy my space, but I love being around someone that I love to be around. I miss cuddling and someone wanting my attention just as much as I want theirs. I miss the inside jokes and the laughter. I miss that best friend vibe and soul connection with the person you call “lover”. The person that makes your heart skip a beat at the sound of their voice and can make you weak with their kisses. (As I’m typing this I’m realizing that I’m describing one person in particular, but that’s another post for another day.).
To be completely clear though, I don’t want to date anyone new either (also another post for another day). What I’m really hoping is that I either become super busy to the point where I won’t have time to think about my single life (which is fine but I need that thinking time in order to write so that probably won’t happen) or that I just come to grips with being single for a while and I embrace it. Throughout the day, as my life currently stands, I go back and forth so often with being okay as a single woman (typically when I’m trying to get something done and I’ve delved into it) to missing and longing for my phone to light-up with a text message from my lover clearly missing me.
I’m pretty sure this journey for me is going to be as crazy and bumpy as an old wooden rollercoaster, so I may as well strap in and just get ready for the ride.